Words are not coming easily at this difficult time. We are shocked and deeply saddened by the tragic and senseless loss of our dear second-grade student Mellie Stasko. Our prayers are with the family, and with our community.
Please know that we will have a team of support personnel available for staff, students, and parents upon returning to school on January 4th.
In the meantime, if you are a parent in need of support, our Child Study Team office will be open on Mon, Tues, Wed. of this coming week. You can call the office at 201-945-4106 x1209 and ask to speak to Dr. Braude, one of our school psychologists.
The article below gives tips on speaking to children about tragedies. And at the end of this email, you'll see the guidelines our teachers follow in a classroom setting when addressing a tragedy.
Ours is a community that bands together in times of need, which is an encouragement as we grieve this terrible loss together.
With my sincerest thoughts and prayers,
Kerry L. Postma, Superintendent
Edgewater School District
251 Undercliff Ave.
Edgewater, NJ 07020
Helping Children Cope With Frightening News
What parents can do to aid kids in processing grief and fear in a healthy way (from childmind.org)
When tragedy strikes, as parents you find yourself doubly challenged: to process your own feelings of grief and distress, and to help your children do the same.
I wish I could tell you how to spare your children pain, when they've lost friends or family members, and fear, when disturbing events occur, especially when they're close to home. I can't do that, but what I can do is share what I've learned about how to help children process disturbing events in the healthiest way.
As a parent, you can't protect your children from grief, but you can help them express their feelings, comfort them, and help them feel safer. By allowing and encouraging them to express their feelings, you can help them build healthy coping skills that will serve them well in the future, and confidence that they can overcome adversity.
- Break the news. When something happens that will get wide coverage, my first and most important suggestion is that you don't delay telling your children about what's happened: It's much better for the child if you're the one who tells her. You don't want her to hear from some other child, a television news report, or the headlines on the front page of the New York Post. You want to be able to convey the facts, however painful, and set the emotional tone.
- Take your cues from your child. Invite her to tell you anything she may have heard about the tragedy, and how she feels. Give her ample opportunity to ask questions. You want to be prepared to answer (but not prompt) questions about upsetting details. Your goal is to avoid encouraging frightening fantasies.
- Model calm. It's okay to let your child know if you're sad, but if you talk to your child about a traumatic experience in a highly emotional way, then he will likely absorb your emotion and very little else. If, on the other hand, you remain calm, he is likely to grasp what's important: that tragic events can upset our lives, even deeply, but we can learn from bad experiences and work together to grow stronger.
- Be reassuring. Talking about death is always difficult, but a tragic accident or act of violence is especially tough because of how egocentric children are: they're likely to focus on whether something like this could happen to them. So it's important to reassure your child about how unusual this kind of event is, and the safety measures that have been taken to prevent this kind of thing from happening to them. You can also assure him that this kind of tragedy is investigated carefully, to identify causes and help prevent it from happening again. It's confidence-building for kids to know that we learn from negative experiences.
- Help them express their feelings. In your conversation (and subsequent ones) you can suggest ways your child might remember those she's lost: draw pictures or tell stories about things you did together. If you're religious, going to church or synagogue could be valuable.
- Be developmentally appropriate. Don't volunteer too much information, as this may be overwhelming. Instead, try to answer your child's questions. Do your best to answer honestly and clearly. It's okay if you can't answer everything; being available to your child is what matters. Difficult conversations like this aren't over in one session; expect to return to the topic as many times as your child needs to come to terms with this experience.
- Be available. If your child is upset, just spending time with him may make him feel safer. Children find great comfort in routines, and doing ordinary things together as a family may be the most effective form of healing.
- Memorialize those who have been lost. Drawing pictures, planting a tree, sharing stories, or releasing balloons can all be good, positive ways to help provide closure to a child. It's important to assure your child that a person continues to live on in the hearts and minds of others. Doing something to help others in need can be very therapeutic: it can help children not only feel good about themselves but learn a very healthy way to respond to grief.
In school, we as educators use the following guidelines when addressing tragedies with students:
Suggested Guidelines for Teachers to Address Tragedy
Parents and teachers are the trusted adults most suited to talking to children about frightening events. These adults can communicate basic facts, answer questions and set an emotional tone by their responses. Children pick up cues from the important adults in their lives so it is important to stay calm. The purpose of broaching the incident is to encourage a dialogue and allow children to express their feelings. Of course, what is shared depends on the age of the child and what individual students may be able to cope with.
Preschoolers- don’t broach the subject but be available to answer their questions simply, briefly, and directly. Only address the actual question.
Elementary aged children- Let the children’s questions be your guide. You may start by asking who has heard about the event, what they heard, and how they feel about it. Try to answer basic facts because having some information reduces anxiety. Having too much information generally increases anxiety. Avoid grim details. Acknowledge all feelings and don’t discount or dismiss them. Reassure children that incidents like this are rare, they are unlikely to happen and that they are safe. Good people are always working to protect us and keep us safe. Children find comfort and security in routine. So following the school schedule helps them focus on the familiar.
Be aware that children who have been exposed to recent violence or trauma may be more vulnerable or distressed by this event.
Ask children to think of who they would turn to if they have further questions or worries (e.g., parent, teacher, friend, counsellor, etc.). Let them know that there is always someone available to help them make sense of their feelings.